Have you ever felt an emotion so overwhelming that you are numbed on impact. A continuous state of anxiety and fear. As if something is chasing you and is not letting up even though you are trying your best to escape its grasp. I am writing after a very long time. I had started writing about 10 years back to give vent to my emotions. As a person I have been brought up to be a bit doubtful about myself. This one trait of mine has destroyed everything I ever tried to build.
I never had any kind of confidence in what I was trying to do. Pursue your dreams was something I was never told by anyone. Being born in a typical middle class household with hard working and pennywise parents somehow inculcates a sense of insecurity which kills any sort of freedom in thought. Living with myself has been a bit painful for the last 15 years. I guess, it all started in school when I discovered that I was no good with anything. Having a competitive peer group does two things to you as a child. It tells you to pull up your socks or get left behind. Secondly it opens you up to your shortcomings like nothing can. I could not debate for the life of me. I could not speak when spoken to. I perpetually lived with low self-confidence and fear. A paralytic fear of failure. A fear which stops people from exploring themselves and kills any chance of looking at life differently. I used to get images in my mind of failing. Of failing big time, causing shame to everyone, parents first and then whoever came later.
It’s a little odd, that during this turbulent time I found some friends who were helpful enough to understand that there was someone weak amongst them. Someone who needed more time and effort to do things that they could do in their sleep. But, I am digressing. Why I cant cry more? I have in my stupid little life, come across people who can cry very easily. Some who can really howl and be normal in a split second. I don’t even remember when I cried last. I am not comparing to anyone else, but I have had my share of embarrassments, shaming, failures, depression and difficulties. Let me try and list some moments where I shud have cried probably -:
1. Once when Mom dad fought and mom threatened to leave the house. I was small but I did not like the energy of the house at that time.
2. Once when I failed in 4 subjects out of 5 in my 12th class second term exams. I saw my mother crying for the first time. I really did not know how to react to that.
3. I went to my sister’s house and her mother hugged me and cried for her elder daughter who has committed suicide. I felt sad for the household but I could not bring myself to cry.
4. I got beaten up by mom and dad for some mischief I had committed at a family friend’s place. It was unreal. Getting beaten up for one whole night.
5. My best friend died in a road accident randomly one day. I attended his funeral , gave him a shoulder during his last journey, saw his mother’s eyes dried up, saw his brother sitting like a stone, saw his fiancé with dried tears. Saw his crushed face with my own eyes but I could not bring myself to cry. I still don’t know what came over me that day but I just could not cry.
6. I was left heart broken at Ranchi railway station when for the first time in my life I mustered up the courage to tell a girl I love her. Apparently she was already dating someone else and I was not aware. I travelled for 2 days in that train completely stoned. Did not know how to react.
7. I decided to separate from my first girl friend in Chennai when I understood that there would be no future together. She cried, howled, hit me, cursed me, beat me, abused me. I did not cry then.
8. I saw my father selling off his house because we had no money. I remember that visual clearly. Dad and me sitting with our heads down as the broker came to us with the cash and dad handing over the keys of the house to the new owner. I guess it was too much for Dad too as he went to his friends place and asked me to go home with the money and be with mom. Dad cried, mom too.. I did not cry then.
9. I had my second heart break when my relationship with a very close friend ended. It was a passion fueled relationship when almost ran us mad. I had experienced passion , but such insanity was a new experience. Sitting in the middle of a road at 1 in the night with one hand completely broken due to a bike accident, my girl friend standing next to me shell shocked. A scene straight out of some novel. My girl friend cried. I could not cry even then. Probably a tear or two because my arm was mangled completely.
10. Deciding to marry outside my faith with a girl I loved more than anything. Eventually I realized that we were not made for each other. Great as individuals, not so great as a couple. Calling the thing off. Getting called names. Being accused of treachery, cheating, letting down, breaking promises and what not. Everyone and their uncle called me to tell me I am the worst guy who ever walked planet Earth. She cried.. a lot. Her dreams broken, her life sent through a very avoidable tangle.I could not cry still.
11. My mother was diagnosed with Diabetes. Here is the catch. This diagnosis happened from inside the ICU where she was battling between life and death. I had been careless with her health. I take responsibility for it. Looking at my mother breathing heavily and on Ventilator with a 20% chance of survival, my father cried. My uncles and aunts and their children, my cousins everyone cried. We almost lost her. She stopped recognizing me when I saw her in the ICU , all caught up in a wiry mesh. Her expressionless stare at me was something I could not take out of my mind. She spent 3.5 months in the ICU and eventually got better with time. My aunt told me this. She never saw me crying through the whole ordeal.
12. I was diagnosed with Jaundice once. I spent 1.5 months in the hospital with excruciating pain in the abdomen. Not being able to move or eat with the body rejecting food at the outset. It was hell like no other. Sedation caused more anxiety as the drip was not properly placed. I woke up one day in horror looking at my hand swollen to 1.5 times its normal size with the veins and nerves all visible. People got anxious looking at me. All through this, I could not bring myself to cry.
13. My best friend who I had lost, his younger brother got married and his parents in a show of large heartedness put me in the front for all rituals. His mother hugged me and cried , maybe thinking of him. Had he been there he would have taken on the whole responsibility of the wedding and would have danced his heart out. I spent a quiet moment in some corner when the ceremony was taking place looking at the sky, thinking probably he would be ashamed of me too, that he had such a loser friend who was no good.
14. Joining a company in an industry I was always interested to pursue. Quickly realizing that the place was filled with slime balls who had built their careers through boot licking and Chinese whispers. Lost respect for the company but still respected my work. Got called in a meeting room with the whole team looking at me. Boss threw papers on my face, shouted at me and I could do nothing. I sensed my fists clenching and I really wanted to take her head and smash it on the wall. But I could not. I could hear sniggers from the juniors as I was being taken apart. I felt all my work life has been reduced to this one meeting where I am being fucked over. I felt sad and angry. I walked out of the room and sat in silence but however hard I tried I could not cry even then.
Is it depression? Is it some sort of inability to express emotion? Coldness maybe or is it that I am seriously ill and will one day explode and burst like no tomorrow? I don’t know. Its difficult to even comprehend. My lack of expression tells people that I don’t care. But I know in my heart ho much I have done or cared. But again its my problem that I expected and felt bad. So, no expectations from anyone. Probably when I go from here, people will say good riddance. He was a pain and only caused more pain to whoever he met. Well, not something I would be proud of but then life has been without purpose from day 1. I still don’t understand what I am made to do. I am drifting and will continue to drift. My core has been of empathy and that kills any kind of retaliation I may think of. Its good sometimes to let go. To feel the wind on the face. To feel free and live for another day. But when the day ends and I am back in my shell wth all the walls closing in, I pop in my head and keep asking the same damn thing. Why can’t I just bloody cry?
